


We only said goodbye with words (I died a hundred times)

by thewoundupbird



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: AU, Angst, F/F, because I cannot write any other genre clearly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 19:08:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2399567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewoundupbird/pseuds/thewoundupbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Laura Hollis looks unfortunately too similar to a certain Laura from Carmilla’s past</p><p>(If you haven’t read the novel Carmilla this might not make sense)</p>
            </blockquote>





	We only said goodbye with words (I died a hundred times)

Carmilla had thought she was dead. She tasted ash and the familiar iron tang of blood in her mouth. The last thing she remembered was the sight of Laura’s father with two other men. In a whirlwind they had subdued her and done… horrible things. She swallowed at the thought as she flexed her fingers, gradually getting feeling back. How on earth had she survived it all?

 

Suddenly something cool brushed the side of her cheek.

 

“Darling, are you awake?”

 

The voice brought a strange mix of emotion inside of Carmilla. Revulsion for the person who made her this way and comfort in something familiar.

 

Her eyes fluttered open and it startled her how things weren’t instantly clear. The sensation of struggling to focus on the blurry shapes and warped colors around her made her feel a bit human. The relief that the thought brought her made her almost disgusted by her weakness.

 

Instead of responding, Carmilla pushed herself up to her elbows. Panting, she turned and glared at the woman standing to her right.

 

“You are supposed to protect me before this sort of thing happens. I was so close.”

 

The woman said nothing, just flashed her an all-knowing smile as she took a step toward the prone girl.

 

“She was your undoing, Mircalla. That girl made you weak. And blind. You needed to learn.”

 

“So you felt it was beneficial to have me go through near death in order to teach me that particular lesson?”

 

Of course Carmilla didn’t get a verbal response. Instead a harsh hand slapped her chest and made her fall hard against the make shift bed she was on. It knocked all of the air she had inhaled (breathing was a nasty habit she had been unable to break despite the hundred of years of living.)

 

Panting, Carmilla gazed upward at the woman whose face was so close she could practically taste the cloying rose petal perfume that had always clung to her like a miasma.

 

“I made you this way, Mircalla,” she murmured with teeth too sharp and lips too red. “I have every right to decide what is good for you. Love isn’t sacrifice, darling. It’s madness.”

 

**********

 

Carmilla left the woman for a long time after that. She wandered countries, crossed oceans. She indulged in a hedonistic lifestyle full of too much liquor and sex and blood. Carmilla found the constant mobility helped her mind not dwell too long. Whenever she started to settle and think back to the past she would uproot herself and continue on her journey of erasure. She could never completely forget the way Laura had felt against her lips. And her taste. Nothing could ever compare to it.

 

But at least she tried to move on and not let the pathetic longing control her existence.

 

One morning Carmilla received a scrap of paper, slipped under her door with the unimportance of a piece of dropped change. But she knew better. As she knelt down and flipped the piece of parchment over, she recognized the handwriting without question. It had been years but the sharp arches of cursive fs and shap peaks of ws killed any doubt.

 

She had been summoned by the woman and she would not be able to say no.

 

**********

 

“A university? How can a place of learning be run by someone like you?” Carmilla asked neutrally. She watched the woman’s shoulders stiffen and she received perverse pleasure at being able to rattle her. Carmilla didn’t even care that she would probably be punished later.

 

“It’s not quite that simple, Mircalla. This university is far more than just a place of learning. This place can give us an incredible access to so many humans,” the woman said with a half smile. The flinty gleam in her eye made Carmilla nervous.

 

“So what exactly is it that you want from me? To have me by your side like the good old days when we ravaged the country folk under the guise of a mother and daughter?”

 

The woman turned away, gazing out the large bay window of the impressive office. Carmilla’s eyes lingered on the letter opener on the desk, longing for the object to work against the frightening person before her.

 

“It almost sounds like you’re sad about what we did in the past. Have you grown a conscience over the years we have been a part, Mircalla?”

 

“No. I just find the life I lead now to be far more satisfactory.”

 

“Ah living like a damned gypsie, in the arms of a new girl every night. Is that how you wish to use the gift that I gave you?” She glanced harshly over her shoulder, her face cut by shadows. Carmilla felt her mouth run dry at the sight. No matter how long she had been alive the sight of the woman sent a shiver down her spine when she was like this.

 

“What’s the point of the trappings of vampirism if you can’t be with the one thing you love?” she murmured quietly, using the last of the fight in her.

 

The barking laugh she heard in response made something in her chest harden.

 

**********

 

And that was how she found herself bound to this Silas University. The woman made her come and attend every twenty or so years, always summoning her with a scrap of paper slipped under her door. Carmilla had tried fleeing as far away as possible. Tundras, deserts, and tropics. But the woman always found her and she had to return. Carmilla wasn’t proud of what she did at the University. Unfortunately duty always preceded the fragile sense of morality she had collected over the years along with a handful of degrees in philosophy, literature, and music.

 

Decades passed. But of course Carmilla did not change. Regardless of how long her hair was or what kind of clothes she worse, she was still the same. She could never truly change her identity no matter how hard she tried. It simultaneously comforted her and repulsed her.

 

This time around she was a Philosophy student. Carmilla had wanted to reevaluate the quality of the Philosophy department since it had been forty years since she majored in the field. The classes were a little different as were the people but the essence of the university experience was the same.

 

But then one day she saw a ghost. Carmilla was sitting in the quad, nose in a book which was maybe half as old as she, when she heard a girlish giggle. She sighed in exasperation, ready to leave if the sound persisted for longer than a minute. But then when she looked up, eyebrow cocked in annoyance. It was such a quick moment, the lighting dreamy like a Sofia Coppola film, but something in her chest clenched. Because she swore to God that she saw a flash of her past prance by her in jeans and a pale blue button down. Her book almost slipped from her fingers as she gazed at the girl’s back.

 

This had happened before of course. She would see traces of Laura’s ghost in lovers who would caress her hair with a familiar softness or in the light scent of lilac in the spring. But small nuances were so very different from seeing someone who looked painfully like her.

 

Carmilla stared at the direction the girl had gone off to for a long time. She didn’t bother finishing the book in her lap a her mind drifted to a different time and place over a hundred years ago. When she had braided hair and woven delicate flower crowns with nimble fingers, a warm head of light brown hair resting in her lap.

 

**********

 

“She has an uncanny likeness to that girl, doesn’t she?”

 

Carmilla said nothing, grinding her teeth stubbornly. She stared at the black leather of her boots instead of at the triumphant grin on the woman’s face.

 

“Is this your way of tormenting me?” Carmilla asked with feigned boredom, stretching her legs out languidly.

 

The woman laughed.

 

“Not my way of tormenting you. I believe it’s an unfortunate result of fate. Regardless, you have a job to do, Mircalla. This Laura Hollis is putting her nose into things that she should not be. You know what’s at stake here.”

 

Carmilla bit her lip but nodded.

 

“Good. You may go, Mircalla. Enjoy your new roommate.”

 

**********

 

She had to prepare herself before she met Laura for the first time. In this lifetime anyway. Luckily for Carmilla, this girl was nothing like her Laura. She was loquacious and orderly and methodical to a fault. It gave Carmilla a perverse satisfaction in making this Laura frustrated and flustered. Goading the girl was easy for her. But there were moments when Laura was not looking, that Carmilla gazed unabashedly at her familiar face. She would bite her lip as recalled how soft her Laura’s cheeks were or how sweet her Laura’s mouth tasted.

 

“What were you thinking about?”

 

Carmilla blinked owlishly. Her Laura’s voice had sounded so much less annoying.

 

“Why does it matter?”

 

Her mouth almost twitched when she saw a faint blush color the other girl’s cheeks.

 

“It’s just… you were smiling. And I’ve never seen you smile like that before.”

 

Carmilla felt like a bird on a string, tugged unwillingly toward the direction of a master she desperately did not want. For some reason any sarcastic barb died from her lips. With an annoyed huff she rose from her spot on her bed and stormed out of the room, thoughtlessly grabbing one of the girl’s button downs on her way out. She could handle the lecture she would get later.

 

**********

 

Carmilla tolerated the presence of Danny Lawrence with what she felt was the patience of a saint. With each effusive action or caring word, the red head was falling lower and lower in Carmilla’s esteem. She was like some annoying Labrador retriever, obviously head over heels for Laura. The sight of the two of them made her gag. Her opinion of Danny fell even lower when she found out she was a part of that damn Summer Society. That gang had always been an annoying thorn in the administration’s side. And although she loved anything that riled the woman and her carefully laid plans, that group sure as hell didn’t make things easier for her. Plus all that gallivanting got really old after a few years.

 

Once when she was lying on her stomach in the dorm she heard the recognizable voices of Danny and Laura. Carmilla’s lips pressed into a line as she tried not to listen to the two of them talking. The thought put a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

Carmilla would have blissfully pretended she was asleep when the door finally closed but of course Laura had to loudly drop her keys on the floor and scramble about to find them. She fumbled in the dark with an annoyed hiss and Carmilla felt compelled to help the girl or else face the fate of hearing her searching all night long. In a fluid movement she was on the floor beside Laura, easily finding the keys that had somehow dropped in the space between the other girl’s bed and dresser

 

“C-carmilla!”

 

“Hey, cutie,” she said easily, letting the lanyard with the keys dangle from her index finger. She grinned at the way Laura rolled her eyes, reaching for the lanyard. But of course her night vision was awful and she missed her mark, grazing Carmilla’s forearm. With a sigh Carmilla gently gripped Laura’s wrist and guided the now limp hand to the keys. She watched curiously as the smaller girl’s cheeks colored in the moonlight. The sight made Carmilla reach forward without thinking, cupping the soft skin of Laura’s face. She bit her lip as she gazed into Laura’s big brown eyes and felt the pain of nostalgia creep into the edges of her dead heart. In the darkness, Carmilla could pretend for a second that it was all those years ago and Laura had let her in her room again.

 

“Carmilla, what are you doing?” She didn’t respond, instead brushing the smaller girl’s lips with her thumb.

 

“My hand is cold. Just gimme a sec.”

 

Instantly the doe like gaze Laura had been giving her turned into annoyance. Snatching the keys from Carmilla’s hands, she quickly stood.

 

“If you need to warm your hands, buy some hand warmers. They have some at the store.”

 

Carmilla barked out a laugh as she stood, watching Laura walk past her to go change in the restroom.

 

“But your cheeks are warmer,” she whispered without thinking to an empty room.

 

**********

 

She hadn’t meant to put so much thought and care into that stupid bat wing charm. It was supposed to make her sleeping just a little bit easier. Hopefully not drive her crazy and feel tempted to do something stupid to Laura, like kiss her to wake her up from those night terrors. After the charm-giving she found herself softening around Laura. Maybe the doppleganger of her old love had found a way to invade her surly exterior. Or maybe it was the loneliness one could only accrue from hundreds of years of living.

 

Carmilla stopped trying so hard to respond to the other girl with a sharp barb or eye roll. Of course she could tell that Laura was never completely at ease with her. But the discomfort came with frequent blushes and eyes that would wander and linger longer than necessary. This Laura, Carmilla thought, would not deny herself from the company of women. If she kissed the other girl she wouldn’t resist because of warring ideas about her sexuality.

 

The thought pleased her more than it should. And she did not deny that she herself would watch Laura’s lips a bit longer than necessary when she angrily lectured Carmilla on cleaning up after herself. Nor would she deny that she wondered if this Laura would taste the same as her old Laura. But she did not act on her usual desires. Something held her back. She would wax on eloquently about the moon and stars but refrain from sealing the deal with a kiss.

 

How strange that her old strict upbringing would resurface into unfamiliar self-restraint at a time like this. When it would be incredibly easy to charm the girl she had fantacized about for decades into a kiss or two. Yet Carmilla refrained, until Laura asked if she would go to a party with her.

 

Tomorrow had fallen awkwardly from her lips, far too wistful for her liking. The weakness in her voice was painfully obvious. Carmilla liked that Laura had taken the initiative. In some warped fantasy of the past it was nice to have Laura pursue her for once. To reciprocate the thousand kisses and tender words she had showered on the other girl.

 

That night she watched Laura fall back to sleep with a barely there smile.

 

**********

 

Carmilla could have easily fought off the people who had piled on top of her. She even threw a few punches, landing a nice hit on the side of Danny’s face. But then she heard Laura murmur something about how the plan was almost complete. And the phrase fazed her enough for Danny to nail her in the stomach and knock her to her knees. After that she let them all bind her with ropes and stick that ridiculous garland of garlic around her neck. The only thing she really minded was the duck tape.

 

Because, she wanted to ask Laura a single question as the girl fawned over Danny’s bruise,paying Carmilla no mind.

 

_Why do you always find a way to ruin me?_


End file.
